One year and 80 lbs ago...

Top pictures are October 2011.  Bottom pictures were taken yesterday.

As mentioned in my last post, I've been having a hard time losing weigh lately but looking at these pictures from last year have inspired me.  If I can make this much progress in less than a year (10 months), imagine what next year's zoo Halloween pictures can look like!  I know it won't be as drastic of a change since I'm so much closer to my goal but I still want to be amazed at how good I can look next year.  So look for a new collage of these photos next October!

I thought today would be an awesome day with my renewed dedication but I did make some not-so-great decisions regarding food today.

What I did wrong:  I went grocery shopping at lunch time on an empty stomach.  By the time I got home I was starving, couldn't decide between leftover pizza (2 big slices) and sushi, so I ate both. Fail.  Later my sister and brother-in-law were here for a visit and I couldn't resist the coconut cream pie my mom had brought home and had a generous portion of that too.  Then I took a 2 hour nap with my son.

What I did right: I somewhat saved the day by doing a 3+ mi run. at 6:00 pm.  And I drank about 80 oz. of water already today.  And I tracked all the horrible things I ate the best I could on MyFitnessPal.  The end result being that I'm only about 200 calories over my goal (based on my best guesses).  So the day wasn't a total wash.  It feels good to be accountable to myself again.  I'm hoping to make even better decisions tomorrow.

I'm so ready to get off these last 32(ish) pounds!  My 28th birthday is 5 months from yesterday and I'd love to do it by then but I'm starting to accept that it might take a bit longer.  Maybe I should change my goal date to May, when I will also graduate from my MAT program.  I guess it will just take however long it takes though and it almost doesn't matter as long as I keep moving in the right direction.

One day at a time.
Never give up.

Struggling.

It's been over 2 months since I posted.  I guess I'm not really sure what to write about most of the time.  There's nothing terribly exciting to report.  I've now reached the 10 month mark of weight loss and my total is only about 80 lbs.  I'm finally back to/below my pre-pregnancy weight, which is my lowest adult weight so far.  But I keep fluctuating and I'm really struggling with both diet and making the time and finding the energy/drive/motivation/enthusiasm to work out like I was.  My first 5K is one week from tomorrow so that has definitely kept me going but I still don't feel fully prepared for that.  I do think I'll be able to make my modest goal of finishing without walking in under 40 minutes, although I can't say I'd be completely shocked if I didn't.

So besides struggling with the weight loss and running, I'm definitely also struggling with this new being single thing.  I thought I was ready to date and get the show on the road.  Then I actually went out on a date and realized I definitely was not ready.  As cliche as it probably sounds for a single mom, I just don't have the time for it.  Those who told me I should just focus on school and getting my life in order were definitely right. I'm ready to do just that.  I will NOT be actively looking for anyone for a long while.  My ex has already moved on to someone new and that makes it a little harder at times for some reason.  And I'm also finding myself remembering the good times we had and that doesn't help much either.  I've joined a divorce support group and I'm hoping that will help me through this transition - and help me get to a point where I'm really okay with being single.

I think the thing I'm struggling the most with is trying to figure out how to be hopeful for the future.  More than anything I want to have more children (or at least one) and I want to have them with someone who will be excited, supportive, involved, and loving in the whole creation and raising of them. But I feel like the likelihood of that happening isn't that great now.  While I am by no means approaching "advanced maternal age", I do feel like the sands in that hourglass are definitely falling faster than I'm comfortable with and I could have unforeseen fertility issues down the road.  And I just have a sense that I won't find the "right" person before that clock runs out. This is proving to be one of the biggest challenges for me as these thoughts and concerns are never far from the front of my mind and I'm not quite sure how to overcome this and hang on to some glimmer of hope that I will someday get the family I've always dreamed of.