Struggling.

It's been over 2 months since I posted.  I guess I'm not really sure what to write about most of the time.  There's nothing terribly exciting to report.  I've now reached the 10 month mark of weight loss and my total is only about 80 lbs.  I'm finally back to/below my pre-pregnancy weight, which is my lowest adult weight so far.  But I keep fluctuating and I'm really struggling with both diet and making the time and finding the energy/drive/motivation/enthusiasm to work out like I was.  My first 5K is one week from tomorrow so that has definitely kept me going but I still don't feel fully prepared for that.  I do think I'll be able to make my modest goal of finishing without walking in under 40 minutes, although I can't say I'd be completely shocked if I didn't.

So besides struggling with the weight loss and running, I'm definitely also struggling with this new being single thing.  I thought I was ready to date and get the show on the road.  Then I actually went out on a date and realized I definitely was not ready.  As cliche as it probably sounds for a single mom, I just don't have the time for it.  Those who told me I should just focus on school and getting my life in order were definitely right. I'm ready to do just that.  I will NOT be actively looking for anyone for a long while.  My ex has already moved on to someone new and that makes it a little harder at times for some reason.  And I'm also finding myself remembering the good times we had and that doesn't help much either.  I've joined a divorce support group and I'm hoping that will help me through this transition - and help me get to a point where I'm really okay with being single.

I think the thing I'm struggling the most with is trying to figure out how to be hopeful for the future.  More than anything I want to have more children (or at least one) and I want to have them with someone who will be excited, supportive, involved, and loving in the whole creation and raising of them. But I feel like the likelihood of that happening isn't that great now.  While I am by no means approaching "advanced maternal age", I do feel like the sands in that hourglass are definitely falling faster than I'm comfortable with and I could have unforeseen fertility issues down the road.  And I just have a sense that I won't find the "right" person before that clock runs out. This is proving to be one of the biggest challenges for me as these thoughts and concerns are never far from the front of my mind and I'm not quite sure how to overcome this and hang on to some glimmer of hope that I will someday get the family I've always dreamed of.